These days, I am, often, introduced at parties like this,
‘This is Rachna. She is a writer’.
That makes me cringe. I take great pains at explaining why I am not a writer. Beginning with a conservative definition of ‘writer’, I explain, step by step, why I cannot be called a writer. I intersperse it with nervous laughter and awkward shuffles, during which, sometimes, I dribble my ice cream on the listener.
The listener is confused, sometimes disturbed. And, the introducer, by now, has lost all his credibility.
Later, perhaps as he tells his wife, ‘I love you, baby’, she responds angrily,
‘Ya right…just like you said that frizzy-haired woman is a writer?!’
I wonder why I am so scared of being called a ‘writer’. I need to find out. I begin by asking Prithvi what kind of things make him scared.
He says ghosts, snakes, going to school and so on.
He adds ‘Lekin Salman Khan ki girlfriend ko thappad se dar nahin lagta, pyar se lagta hai..’
He clarifies that he is scared of ‘thappad’ though, distancing him from the twisted views of Salman Khan’s girlfriend.
I think I need to build my confidence. I need to adopt some confidence building measures, which I call CBM (partly because it also stands for Chicken Butter Masala).
CBM 1 – Practice on pushing out Shakespeare’s mug-shot from my head when the word ‘writer’ is spoken. Replace it with Shobha De’s photo.
CBM 2 – Imagine the listener is naked. That’s the advice they give people who are making a presentation in front of a large audience, and are nervous. But, the complexity is that I often confuse reality with imagination.
I might just blurt out, ‘No, I am not a writer! Now go put some clothes on! You look gross!’
CBM-3 – Imagine the introducer said ‘write-off’, not ‘writer’. Then, confidently, support the introduction with complete conviction.
But seriously, confidence is key. I have realized that, beyond a baseline, that’s all one needs. I would want my kids to be confident, unlike their mother. What they need a supreme veneer of confidence, even if it encases ‘dumb’! I think I should start an Academy of CBM. I shall call it The G.W. Bush Academy of CBM.
Salman ki girlfriend is a masochist and the person who asked you to visualise people naked (the wise guy who told us all the presentation skills tip) is a sadist! Besides the latter was also ancient (before the era of “political correctness”) so you can treat his tips the way you treat daadi ke gharelu nuske!
You my friend possess a talent few can compete with and my only tip to you when you feel the urge to justify ..whatever it is you feel compelled to justify – is think of Salman/John/Hritik ke pecs/abs and smile that glazed over smile! works like a dream!!
i love the word “intersperse”. a great hilarious read rach
Can you please pass on some of the naked listeners and the CBM!
Ya people tout themselves as writers with just one humble piece published somewhere…so why not you with 2 published books. I love Yuv’s scary triggers – going to school hehe!