Someone once told me that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Of course, in an unrelated incident, his house was vandalized and he now operates out of the shelter for the homeless. And, I forgot all about that interaction. Till recently, I thought, why not? Lemme give it a shot.

So, I entered the kitchen. This was was proclaimed to the heavens above by the cooker-whistle, which, along with the steam spilled out its guts on the stove. It was a blessed day : the angels wept with joy. The ones who ate wept with….never mind…

It has been a ‘mixed journey’ (borrowing a phrase from SRK as he spoke about the KKR’s performance in last IPL series). However, I have prepared a list of FAQs that will help a new kitchen entrant. Hope you will find them useful:-

Q . How do you soak saabudana so that it does not stick together in a lump?
A. Inject each ball with 1 ml of water using a sterilized syringe and ensure each ball is placed 2 mm away from the other. If unable to do so, get Snehal’s mom to make you saabudana khichdi.

Q. Are carrots good for eyes?
A. Well, I prefer Maybelline eye liner (No. 593) but you can try carrots. Make sure you sharpen the end so that it does not smudge.

Q. What is the difference between ‘dice’ and ‘cube’?
A. Both are the same. But a dice has small black dots on it.

Q. Idiot, I meant in the context of chopped vegetables.
A. I will not answer rude questions. Go figure it out.

Q. How do you make strawberry jelly?
A. I don’t. I have told my 8 year old daughter to make it- it is part of her weekend assignment to learn about The Benefits of Fruits.

Q. Do you use a lid to simmer?
A. I try, but I blow my lid most of the time. I am thinking of seeing a psychiatrist.

Q. Should the olives for my Caesar Salad be pitted?
A. Pitted against what?

Q. If I don’t have a wok, can I still make Chinese food?
A. This is a slightly irrelevant question. You must ask your trainer if you can miss your walk to cook Chinese food. (And, dearie, please don’t mind, but you need work on your spellings)

I will be working on this list of FAQs and soon publish a book on ‘Tips For the New Kitchen Entrant’. Please do send me your feedback on whether there will be a market for this book.