One night God appeared in my dreams and asked me that I had to choose from one of these 3 experiences:

1) Organize Commonwealth games in India
2) Marry Rahul Mahajan
3) Attend Parent-Teacher-Meetings

Of course, I chose 1). And begged Him to give me BOTH 1) and 2) but not 3).

Then I woke up. And, I was on my way to my children’s PTM. Sigh…dreams…!

Based on my experience with PTMs, I have few suggestions to revamp PTMs to alleviate the pain parents go through.

1) Allot slots based on not classes, but sizes. Let me explain. All Size 0 mothers on one day, all overweight mothers on another and obese on another.

Can you imagine the pain of walking into a corridor full of thin mothers? I mean, how long can I pull in my tummy and hold my breath? It makes the teachers wonder if I have a lung disease. I strongly recommend this be implemented: maybe I could sneak in on the ‘Obese Day’ and enjoy being the object of envy.

2) Give the parents the freedom to respond to teachers in rhyme. Let me explain,

‘You child needs to practice multiplication..’

‘Did you hear Paris Hilton’s latest confession?’

Or

‘I suggest you get your child some books on grammar’

‘Do you know Amitabh Bachchan is now a farmer?’

This way we would be able to add to the teacher’s general knowledge and get a feeling of having contributed to the school, while making the meeting interesting.

3) Allow parents to distract the teachers. Let me explain.

‘See, here is your child’s Maths paper..’

‘Hey look there, there is a red crow..’

‘Where…?’ (teacher looks away)

Parent chews up the Maths paper.

This way, we could come to the aid of our kids in their time of need and would strengthen the parent-child bond.

4) Allow weapons. Let me explain. I don’t mean illegal weapons like real guns and stuff. Just stun guns that will temporarily stun and disable. See, there are these book sales on the day of the PTM. The children drag their parents to these sales and pick up books which are categorized in ‘carats’ and priced accordingly.

Routinely, I sell some of my jewellery before every PTM to buy these books. I could just pick up all the books the kids want, go upto the counter, and then deactivate the billing guy. This way, I don’t lose face with the kids:

‘See, baby, uncle is not listening to me. Let’s come back next time…’

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