Today I saw Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai. It was a film about Haji Mastaan.

And boy, do I want to be a smuggler now or what!

But, I guess it would look quite odd: smuggler stopping on the way to the dockyard to attend kids’ PTM. Or, whipping out a gun from a polythene bag labelled ‘Shoppers Stop’, after rummaging through several things like Inc 5 sandals and a pretty BIBA top.

So, let me just stop short just at expressing my appreciation for the movie: slick, gripping, without being ‘filmy racy’ and good characterization.

Though let me admit, I was a bit confused in the beginning : you see, I have a poor memory for faces: I use, roughly, 4-5 categories, using basic parameters of size, shape and skin tone. So, if you have an angular, long face with ruddy complexion, I might mistake you for Sylvester Stallone.

However, on day on which the maid has not shown up for work and I am in a foul mood, I may mistake you for Danny Denzongpa. So you see, there is a small margin for error.

I realized this when I found out that I had married Alok and not Ajay Devgn as per the original plan…

Coming to my confusion, when the movie began, I thought Inspector Agnel Wilson and Patrick, Mastaan’s side-kick were the same guy.

Looked like that the cop was actually a bad guy!

‘So, it’s yet another movie about making the police look bad,’ I thought and settled with my popcorn.

But, Wilson and Patrick kept appearing an adjacent frames and confusing the hell out of me.

‘Maybe, he is schizophrenic,’ I corrected my estimate of the story and waited for a fake-sounding shrink to appear, maybe played by Arjun Rampal, or if he was not available, Dino Morea. You see, I classify doctors under that facial category: tall, handsome and blank-faced.

Finally, I figured it out it was two different guys: and was faced with the huge task of rewinding in my head and getting the story right.

Then came Dimpy Ganguly on the screen: she looked good. I was happy she had landed herself a great role after making the mistake of her lifetime. In fact, she looked gorgeous. Haji Mastaan was besotted with her. Though a small voice in my Pepsi-drugged head told me something was amiss, I could not figure it out.

Then came another Dimpy Ganguly. Or maybe, it was Sonam Kapoor. She was with Emraan Hashmi or Himesh Reshamiyya. When he tried to kiss her, I figured out it was Emraan Hashmi.

I enjoyed the character played by him (Shoaib Khan) the most. For these reasons:

1. He gifts a bottle of whisky to his girlfriend. Very liberating.
2. From him, I learn how the term ‘supari killing’ came into being.
3. He beats up a guy called ‘Raman’. With a name like that, I would actually beat him up myself.

All in all, a very nice, watchable movie!

And oh! I just found out that Agnel Wilson was played Randeep Hooda. How do you expect me to recognize him in that uniform? The last I saw him was when he had no clothes on….

…playing the slave in ‘Waiting for Godot’, a play I saw a year back and since then, have not recovered quite completely.

That is, I still talk gibberish sometimes, especially with a certain friend who had bought tickets to that show.

Evil woman!

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