Now, no one really knows what women want. In fact, in those olden times, since men go so confused about what women really wanted, they branded them as witches and burnt them.

I can understand that.

So, I don’t expect Mr Modi to know what women want. In fact, he should not even attempt that. He has built a positive image and it is imperative he maintain it. No one wants to see him tearing his hair and yelling, ‘Save me, save me!’

Hence, I have prepared a list of 10 ten things that women want from this budget.

1. Safety & security of women – provide budgetary support to police and judiciary with specific objectives of preventing crimes against women and speedy justice. Nothing severe – I just recommend that all molestation and rape offenders be given sex-change operations and left on the streets of Delhi at night.

2. Higher disposable income – increase tax slabs and simplify complicated tax exemption clauses. We don’t want to give you all the money for nothing, when we can use it for making up for all the atrocities done on us for centuries : by going to the mall.

3. Wider and improved options for kids’ education at school and graduation level – to make sure that we don’t have situations like the CBSE topper not getting admission in St. Stephens. I don’t want to send my children to Lovely Professional University.

4. Improve availability of fresh and reasonably-priced fruits, vegetables (regular and exotic) and dairy products – Looks like vegetables are cheaper in the US now. FDI in cold supply chain by the likes of Walmart / reliance / Tata’s. If I don’t get my stuffed karelas and bhindi fry, I get cranky, very cranky. And that can’t be good for the country.

5. Dependable & cost effective health care – private healthcare is too expensive now. The government should start speciality hospitals offering services at reasonable prices. I have health issues and my last stool test cost me more than those earrings I bought. Pathetic!

6. Improve roads – help women cut travel time to office, etc. and spend their time more effectively on things like facebook.

7. Enhance efficient public transport – We want to get from Point A (home) to Point B (the mall) more easily.

8. Remove indirect taxation and registration charges on assisted / senior housing to it makes it easier for women to take care of their parents. These indirect charges account for around 20% of the cost of housing. More and more women are taking care of their parents now – I am too – and I don’t want them going to public taps to fetch water. I know my mother will pick up fights there.

9. The woman entrepreneur support system – start-up capital assistance, community office space and the like. Give us better facilities to enable us to start businesses. I want to start farming – like drive around a tractor on fields and sing songs.

10. Increase taxes on cosmetic surgeries. We don’t want those babes that go under the knife to make us look and feel worse than we actually are.